perspective scenario

Today i established a new paradigm to life. I have accepted that as an overall trend our external circumstances will only deteriorate going into the future. The situations will only magnify. Bad becoming badder and rich getting richer. Like i said the trend will deteriorate. That means the times are worsening. There may be the good moments or phases as an oddity but nothing is going to improve on the whole. Hence i have given up on cribbing about why the government does not add more buses or trains or hasten the metro station infrastructure work. I have heard a lot of say on "if you want to change the system then be a part of it". I've done that but nothing changes, the only thing that changes is you. All that revolution happens only in the movies and the manga's. The autos will not care stop for you. Your bosses will neither, nor will your vendors.

So you need to factor in all of this and then arrive at a sensible decision before you move that step. The government will stay this way or may worsen so this is what i'll do going ahead. It's a pessimistic opinion but i think it's better to be cautious than curious. When i accept this hypothesis i feel better because i've eliminated all those things that are the cause of my worry each day. I feel more deliberate in my decisions and also know that if things improve even to the slightest then i'll be better off in perspective...

Then...

then...

the calls will cease,

distances increase,

memories will fade,

t'will seem a facade,

voices will be heard,

oh...the times will seem blurred.

until..

in a distant adventure,

with us aging mature,

our tracks may clash,

old moments to flash,

The wait of hope laden,

our passage unto then...

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This was a poem i had written around 3 years back (2007)[Moving it here from my previous blog]. I changed it a little to suit my mood now. I tried something different not sticking to the conventional norms of poetry. The only lines i think that need clarification are the last two lines. Here i try to establish that we sometimes wait (when we think of old times) with our hearts filled with hope that someday we might meet that friend with whom we shared some great moments... and that passage (of wait) continues till we may meet them someday.

The Lonely Mountain top

Today was my last day at work on my second job. Reasons for moving on are several but none of which i stated overtly. Like on many previous occasions i've let go of this one too just when it would have been fruitful to stay(totally contradictory to my previous post). I've come to think that i'm one of those who makes is aware of all the alternatives but ends up making the wrong choices. Then again to prove that i've made the wrong decision I need a comparable, which obviously won't be there.

Last time I quit to pursue my higher studies and get back to bombay, this time i'm leaving bombay to move to pune because i feel that it's a good strategic career move. Besides when i've said that i benchmark against myself i'm not just making a statement. I know deep within that i've been miserable at work. I've not even been at 60% percent of my capability. How you ask?? Sometimes you get a gut feeling and you know that your efforts were just way short or off target. To that i do not attribute my cause onto anyone. Too short a life we live to blame. Personally i feel that i'm at the top of my game and that i can strategize bigger battles and the moment is right to carry on... I can see the mountaintops awaiting me and i had to be untangled from this web of self-deceit for i have a tryst to keep. So in that i'll rest myself for the time being.

To my team if you ever read this someday: I meant every word of what I said. I may have sounded clichéd but it wasn't intentional. I may have forgotten a few thing probably. It wasn't something i prepared for. Work apart, you all reside in a part of me somewhere...I knew because when i walked home tonight the dislike towards all that we've gone didn't exist and I felt 10 years from now when i'd be retrospecting of these days only the fresh memories will resurface.

Parting today was hard though i never felt that slowly the thread that binds us all together had become stronger and stronger. How I wish life threw up more alternatives sometimes !! You have all been amazing and enthusiastic angels and ..... truly I Love you all.

I don't know how to end this one or probably i don't want to end this one.. so i'll keep it this way ... To you all, my wishes are for only the best your heart desires... Hasta Luego Amigos... You are all larger than life.

Still Aimless

As usual stumbled upon my friends blog and felt I should check on my blog too. A lot has happened since the last time I was here. I have found a job, one which I don't really like all that much. But well something's better than nothing... Or is it?? That thought has been hitting me since the last month. Is something that is full of shit really better than doing nothing at all and being at peace with your inner self?? I've begun to question that thought. That said like the title goes i'm still to find my calling. Yes there are a few options, my own business with friend 1 or with friend 2 or with both friends... then there is the option of working for a better company or pursuing my Phd.... Do i just soak into the pressure from uncles who are coaxing me to go to the middle-east? Or do I stick onto doing something here?

My own self-discipline has never been at such a low point. I easily get tempter into eating junk, sleeping that 10 mins more, procrastinating that small pending work. Something that was unlike me the last few years...My diction has been bad, just don't find the right word while talking or writing. My weight reduction plans always are kept for tomorrow each day since the last few months now. Really my mind is truly at sea. I just can't find my mettle, feel like i've lost my edge. Just need to break out.... At the same time maintain my own and not be like the crowd.
My mind is totally striated into different directions really not knowing which way to go.

I wonder how the world can put up with so much of shit. People who are crass and do not have any knowledge ruling over people who are refined. When i look around I wonder if life was really meant to be fair. Friends who were mediocre have moved way ahead. Others who were deprived yet put in efforts are still to get their gains.. They say that in the end truth triumphs, the good wins.... I am still waiting, in hope and anticipation.......let not the forces of nature conspire against the good guy to finish him last......................

Living in Style

Just read one of my friends' blog and thought of logging into my account for a change.

It's been a long time since i've been here.
Lot's of things have transpired between my last post and now.
I still don't have a job but most importantly....

On 19th July a Sunday my mom passed away - The whole of that day is recorded in my mind forever. No I didn't cry or anything. My heart felt heavy. Lots of things from the past came gushing into my head. None of which I had thought of before, all my moms sacrifices just unfurled in my head. I thought of my brother who is 5 years younger to me and felt really sad for him. I felt bad for my dad who d been suffering just a few months back with heart blockages. My mom had done so much...The english language has 5 million words yet sometimes it falters badly when it comes to describe certain feelings, heart burn mixed with anguish and disappointment is what I probably felt..

Death just seems to supercede everything. My mom was just 51 and the youngest in her family. All her aunts much older than her came down, her elder brothers too had down from Australia and Dubai. All her cousins were shocked. She was after all the loved one. How could she do this is what they all said ???

"Cheat" and "Defeated" are two words that I felt.
Defeated because My mom and I would have so many fight, altercations on many issues with opinions being just hurled at one another and each wanting to have their last say. But now her death concludes everything and it's she who has had the last say...... !!

Cheat because well it was time for her to truly sit back and enjoy life with so many good things to look forward to... A hike in her salary (2.5 times) , my job, my marriage (She was so so so keen on it) etc... But now she's done all the hard part and left mockingly as if saying "you keep it all for yourself.. I don't want any of it" ! Exactly 10 days after my moms death on the 29th... I stood First in my MBA class... that really killed me from the inside..... It was the biggest slap on my face... It was the first time i'd topped my class in my life.. I've come 2nd or 3rd quite often in accads but never first... It was also the last time i'd appear in a classroom exam ever... Doesn't it seem like a script written for a movie !! heh.

Carefree and Stubborn are the words i'd use to describe her. She'd not care a hoot for what anyone said and did what ever she deemed right.

Anyways.. now it's all over and when I look back at it all I realize that we as mere mortals have just the privilege to live and make the most out of every situation that we are in. Happiness was never a pursuit but was always within us and waiting to be explored. We can just believe ourselves and hope that everything works out well. Being an engineer I've always questioned HIS existence in spite of having experienced a few miracles myself and wanting proof for everything, yet my mom has always been spiritual in all everything she did. She'd actually be spiritual to the extent of being paranoid about it. But that's the way she loved it and probably found solace in, I am nobody to have questioned it. In my case i'm in two minds because I saw her dying every moment and really all the things about soul and about existence beyond our reckoning seemed inconsequential. The other aspect being practical and doing what ought to be done when it needs to be done and to enjoy doing it. We're here as a mere extension of evolution...

In her Death, I found answers to Questions that I never asked. There are now unfulfilled promises and wishes that need to be achieved. Sometimes life is just something that happens to you incidentally and you just accept what comes your way without much of a question. To me her passing away is a sad moment and something which will haunt me for a long long time because somehow i never really happen to forget things that easily. Be it mobile numbers or birthdays and such. Her death has changed my perspective towards life, its aspects and towards relationships. Not that I've become spiritual or such but just a new fresh thought about this parody called "life" and our role in it.

Now that it's all done all i have is what she's left behind for me.. her volumes of books, her screams at my brother and me, her arguments with my dad and well memories.....

Like one of her colleague said when we visited her college

"She truly lived her life in STYLE".

Wished I'd kissed her just once more...

Divided

Hi,

Once again i'm back after my long exams.
This time it's the final one.. MBA's done.
Well as usual nothing important to post ... just my inner feelings.
Which are a bit divided right now.

ON COLLEGE
College over means you won't be seeing many people EVER again !!
But the whimsical batch that we were, really doesn't mean that we missed everyone either.
A few nostalgic tears here and there more so for pals that were of the same group and are separated now.
I'm divided as i was never into any groups as such, I can talk to anyone in class anytime
I have been through it all before during engineering (where I stormed out of my last exam hall.. vowing never to see my friends again) or
While m training days at TCS when in 40 days we were brought together @ ILP trivandrum only to be separated in such short time that we almost cried (I did .. profusely) because 40 days is so short a notice to get to know anyone that well and you develop a personal attachment to a few people.
The good thing is that in 40 days you only get to know each other as much is necessary and hence don't critically analyze each other which has worked even today.... I'm still in touch with those friends for whom i'd cried that day.. though we've not met even till today. (And it's been 3 years now).
Hence when it comes to these college farewell's I'm a bit detached though not indifferent and not too teary eyed because today the technology exists to Keep In Touch as compared to yesteryear s when nothing such existed and also distances are not too much anymore.... not to mention that companies are also employee friendly now encouraging them to go out on leave etc.

On JOB
Besides that the fact that 90% of the batch is still jobless (Even as i write now.. includes me too) and the bigger tension of not being in the rat race is evident on most faces.
As for me i've merely applied to a few companies.. not that i'm overconfident or anything but just that I just crave this moment to go on for a little longer...
I've worked before and hence know what lies in store once the rat race begins.
Hence i'm divided here too... Need a job but not going to be all worked up and worried about it.
Don't want to be tense about things which will work out some day.. why waste energy on things that are not productive.
After all I ain't gonna be unemployed for life.

Just feel like enjoying the big picture through the smaller lenses ... right now...

-------------------------My Batch Mates------------------------

save

The Gareeb Rath Ride

Well today i intend to critique Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav's(Mr. L) Garib Rath Train introduced between Bandra and Delhi.
Well this was en route to IIT Roorkee where i had my paper presentation finals (We finished 3rd overall)
Though i'll be the first to say that i'm not the intended target audience for this sort of train ride (being by no means gareeb) the point i'd like to make is that the way he's (Mr. L) filled up the train is comparable to filling up cattle in a shed.
People are expected to sleep sitting up all night... spare a thought for the oldies Mr L'ji.
The person at the window needs to go to the loo he/she has to disturd the other two passengers at in the middle and on the aisle seats.
Besides the seats themselves being of bad quality , you're back is done for !!
If your in an a/c coach then it's even worse as there is no way for the air to go out with 75 people cramped up in a 400 sqft enclosed area !!
Besides the pantry service is as horrible as it gets.
The good points are that the train gets you to delhi in quick time.
Still this idea needs a lot of reworking and understanding by India's idiotic Engineers !