Living in Style

Just read one of my friends' blog and thought of logging into my account for a change.

It's been a long time since i've been here.
Lot's of things have transpired between my last post and now.
I still don't have a job but most importantly....

On 19th July a Sunday my mom passed away - The whole of that day is recorded in my mind forever. No I didn't cry or anything. My heart felt heavy. Lots of things from the past came gushing into my head. None of which I had thought of before, all my moms sacrifices just unfurled in my head. I thought of my brother who is 5 years younger to me and felt really sad for him. I felt bad for my dad who d been suffering just a few months back with heart blockages. My mom had done so much...The english language has 5 million words yet sometimes it falters badly when it comes to describe certain feelings, heart burn mixed with anguish and disappointment is what I probably felt..

Death just seems to supercede everything. My mom was just 51 and the youngest in her family. All her aunts much older than her came down, her elder brothers too had down from Australia and Dubai. All her cousins were shocked. She was after all the loved one. How could she do this is what they all said ???

"Cheat" and "Defeated" are two words that I felt.
Defeated because My mom and I would have so many fight, altercations on many issues with opinions being just hurled at one another and each wanting to have their last say. But now her death concludes everything and it's she who has had the last say...... !!

Cheat because well it was time for her to truly sit back and enjoy life with so many good things to look forward to... A hike in her salary (2.5 times) , my job, my marriage (She was so so so keen on it) etc... But now she's done all the hard part and left mockingly as if saying "you keep it all for yourself.. I don't want any of it" ! Exactly 10 days after my moms death on the 29th... I stood First in my MBA class... that really killed me from the inside..... It was the biggest slap on my face... It was the first time i'd topped my class in my life.. I've come 2nd or 3rd quite often in accads but never first... It was also the last time i'd appear in a classroom exam ever... Doesn't it seem like a script written for a movie !! heh.

Carefree and Stubborn are the words i'd use to describe her. She'd not care a hoot for what anyone said and did what ever she deemed right.

Anyways.. now it's all over and when I look back at it all I realize that we as mere mortals have just the privilege to live and make the most out of every situation that we are in. Happiness was never a pursuit but was always within us and waiting to be explored. We can just believe ourselves and hope that everything works out well. Being an engineer I've always questioned HIS existence in spite of having experienced a few miracles myself and wanting proof for everything, yet my mom has always been spiritual in all everything she did. She'd actually be spiritual to the extent of being paranoid about it. But that's the way she loved it and probably found solace in, I am nobody to have questioned it. In my case i'm in two minds because I saw her dying every moment and really all the things about soul and about existence beyond our reckoning seemed inconsequential. The other aspect being practical and doing what ought to be done when it needs to be done and to enjoy doing it. We're here as a mere extension of evolution...

In her Death, I found answers to Questions that I never asked. There are now unfulfilled promises and wishes that need to be achieved. Sometimes life is just something that happens to you incidentally and you just accept what comes your way without much of a question. To me her passing away is a sad moment and something which will haunt me for a long long time because somehow i never really happen to forget things that easily. Be it mobile numbers or birthdays and such. Her death has changed my perspective towards life, its aspects and towards relationships. Not that I've become spiritual or such but just a new fresh thought about this parody called "life" and our role in it.

Now that it's all done all i have is what she's left behind for me.. her volumes of books, her screams at my brother and me, her arguments with my dad and well memories.....

Like one of her colleague said when we visited her college

"She truly lived her life in STYLE".

Wished I'd kissed her just once more...